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What is this resource about?

This resource provides a Neurodivergent-affirming guide to understanding boundaries, recognising the unique challenges and strengths that can come with Neurodivergent experiences. While it centres Neurodivergent perspectives, the insights and suggestions may apply to a broader audience.

Additionally, it acknowledges the complexities of boundary setting, particularly for those in lived experience roles, where the personal and professional identities intersect and identifying and maintaining boundaries can be harder. Setting boundaries in these roles can be especially challenging due to the deep emotional connection to the work, a strong desire to support others, and the possibility of sharing and encountering experiences that resonate on a personal or emotional level. This resource aims to offer supportive strategies that reflect those realities.

What are boundaries and why do they matter?

Boundaries define our limits and what is acceptable for us at any given time. They also refer to the personal space we need to maintain healthy connections in both personal and professional relationships. 

Boundaries are important because they protect our well-being, agency, and sustainability.This means that they help prevent burnout and stress and encourage mutual respect and personal autonomy. They play a vital role in protecting mental and emotional well-being, while also contributing to greater productivity and healthier workplace and group dynamics.

Identifying and establishing boundaries is an ongoing process that involves learning, adjustment, and negotiation—they take time to develop and require continuous effort to maintain.

What types of boundaries are there?

We need to know and set various types of boundaries in our day-to-day lives, including:

Physical boundaries

Personal space, physical contact, and privacy

Emotional boundaries

Protecting personal feelings and avoiding emotional overburden

Mental and topic boundaries

Respecting individual thoughts, beliefs, and opinions

Time boundaries

Managing workload, personal time and commitments effectively

Digital boundaries

Managing notifications, social media usage and the right to switch-off

Professional boundaries

Defining appropriate interactions and responsibilities in the workplace

What are the challenges of identifying and setting boundaries as a Neurodivergent person?

Being Neurodivergent presents unique challenges when it comes to identifying and establishing boundaries, primarily due to sensory processing, social interaction, and communication differences. These differences can impact our ability to recognise, define, communicate, and protect our boundaries. Additionally, experiences like alexithymia, difficulty identifying, understanding, and describing emotions, and alexisomia, difficulty recognising and expressing physical sensations, can make it harder to recognise our instinctive emotional responses and bodily signals of ‘no,’ especially when those signals are related to anger.

Misunderstood communication

Neurodivergent individuals may struggle with normative expectations regarding assertiveness, such as maintaining eye contact, which can complicate the communication of boundaries, particularly in cross-neurotype relationships.

Victimisation and coercion

Neurodivergent people are at higher risk of interpersonal victimisation, grooming, or coercive control, making it challenging to establish and maintain their boundaries.

Learn more about coercive control by exploring the recorded webinars and other resources created for ourGrooming & Coercive Control Summit in 2023.

Conflicts at home

Overprotective family members, caregivers, or partners may impact an individual’s ability to set personal boundaries.

Lack of role models

There is often a scarcity of visible role models who effectively demonstrate boundary-setting skills, making it harder for Neurodivergent individuals to learn these essential techniques.

Misinterpretations about relationships

Some may believe that love and friendship should be boundary-less, leading to the neglect of personal limits.

Workplace pressures

The misconception that professionalism or success at work requires the absence of boundaries can result in overworking and the neglect of personal limits.

Feeling undeserving of boundaries

Some Neurodivergent individuals may feel they do not deserve boundaries or the right to say “no,” particularly when they are already receiving reasonable adjustments and accommodations.

Self-comparison and overriding boundaries

There may be a tendency to override personal boundaries to compensate for perceived differences or to compare oneself to other individuals.

Challenging social expectations

Neurodivergent individuals often encounter confusion regarding social norms and expectations, which can complicate their ability to set clear and effective boundaries.

Why might Neurodivergent people sometimes say “yes” when we mean “no”?

There are several reasons why this can happen, often rooted in nervous system responses, social conditioning, and communication differences. For example, burnout and alexithymia—difficulty identifying and expressing emotions—can make it hard to recognise or articulate one’s true feelings or capacity in the moment. The fawn or freeze response, part of the nervous system’s survival mechanisms, may lead someone to agree or comply to avoid perceived danger or discomfort.

Masking, or suppressing one’s true needs and behaviours to fit in, can make it feel unsafe to be
honest or assertive, especially in environments that don’t accommodate Neurodivergence. In some cases, coercive control or past trauma can also play a role, causing someone to say yes out of fear
or pressure.

Other contributing factors might include empathy or emotional caretaking, where a person
prioritises the feelings of others over their own needs, and faux relational security—a sense of connection that feels safe on the surface but lacks true psychological safety, making authentic communication difficult.

How can Neurodivergent people set and maintain healthy boundaries?

For Neurodivergent individuals, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries begins with understanding our capacity, needs, and priorities. Self-awareness is crucial: we need to pay attention to our limits, identify stress triggers, and recognise feelings of discomfort as important signals. Because our nervous systems can be sensitive to change, it is often more effective and sustainable to make small, manageable adjustments.

We can consider what we might gain by setting a boundary and what we could lose by not doing so. Clear and assertive communication is essential. We can use holding statements like, “I need a bit of time to process that before I respond,” to give ourselves time to establish our boundary. Additionally, clearly stating our needs, such as “I need uninterrupted focus time between 2 and 4 PM,” helps others understand how to support us.

Consistently reinforcing our boundaries and addressing any violations promptly is important. By reaffirming expectations and enforcing consequences, when necessary, we build mutual respect. Saying “no” can be challenging, but it is perfectly okay to be both firm and kind. For example, we might say, “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t commit to that.” If appropriate, we can suggest alternatives.

Finally, seeking support from trusted managers, mentors, or professionals can help us when we are new to setting boundaries.

How might being Neurodivergent affect the way we respond to other people’s boundary-setting?

Being Neurodivergent can sometimes mean we respond differently to other people’s boundary setting. We might interpret a boundary as a demand, a rejection, or even as a sign that we are the problem or that we’re not important. These reactions are understandable and often stem from lived experiences such as rejection sensitivity, hyper-empathy, past coercive control, or attachment ruptures. Our current nervous system state also plays a big role; if we’re already feeling overwhelmed or unsafe, a boundary might feel more intense or personal than it is. Understanding these patterns
with compassion can help us pause, reflect, and respond in a way that honours both our needs and others’ boundaries.

Conclusion

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for well-being, workplace harmony, and personal growth. Through self-awareness and consistency, along with support when needed, Neurodivergent individuals can develop the skills to identify, set, and maintain healthy boundaries to protect their limits.

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© Neurodiverse Connection 2025 All Right Reserved

Introduction

As professionals, parents and caregivers we want to provide the best care and support for Neurodivergent children and adults. Positive Behaviour Support (PBS) and Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) are often presented as effective interventions, so it is crucial to understand the concerns raised by many Neurodivergent individuals, advocates, and researchers. This guide highlights why these methods are problematic and explores compassionate and neurodiversity-affirming alternatives that align with best practices.

Why can PBS and ABA be problematic for Neurodivergent individuals?

Behaviourist-based approaches are considered problematic for Neurodivergent individuals because they focus on modifying outward behaviours to conform to societal norms without adequately considering the preferences, needs, or consent of Neurodivergent individuals or seeking to understand the underlying reason, motivation, or internal experiences – emotions, sensations, and thoughts of the individual. This dehumanises the person and leads to masking behaviours and suppression of natural and healthy Neurodivergent traits, such as stimming, which can cause intense distress and trauma, and negatively impact wellbeing. PBS and ABA do not address the systemic and societal barriers Neurodivergent individuals face.

What about PBS and ABA for people with learning disabilities?

Many of the concerns around PBS and ABA that apply to Neurodivergent people are relevant for everyone, including people that have a learning disability.Whilst there is, arguably, a stronger evidence base supporting the effectiveness of PBS for people with learning disabilities, there are significant concerns about the quality of many research studies (Pukki et al 2022). There still isn’t clarity on what people with learning disabilities think about this and how they experience PBS.

We believe that if something isn’t appropriate for Neurodivergent people, this is also true for Neurodivergent people who have a learning disability.

Our collective goal should be to improve life experiences and wellbeing, not modify behaviours to fit normative expectations – for all Neurodivergent people, including those with learning disabilities.

BSI (2022)

This is an extensive guide for building with Neurodivergence in mind. Whilst this guide takes the form of guidance and recommendations and should not be quoted as if it were a specification or a code of practice, it remains a detailed guidance on the sensory needs of Neurodivergent people wen working with buildings and shared spaces. Working with the widest definition of Neurodivergence, this guide explores inside and outside environments and a range of building types and sizes. Each aspect of a building is taken into account from lighting to walls and floors to ceilings, as well as soft furnishings and area layouts (such as open plan offices).

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van Grunsven and Roeser (2021)

Augmentative and Alternative Communication Technology [AAC Tech] is a relatively young, multidisciplinary field aimed at developing technologies for people who are unable to use their natural speaking voice due to congenital or acquired disability. In this paper, the authors look at the role of AAC Tech in promoting an ‘empathic turn’ in the perception of non- speaking autistic persons. Empathic turn means the turn towards recognising non-speaking Autistic people as persons with a way of engaging with the world and expression that are indicative of a psychologically rich and intrinsically meaningful experiential lives. The authors identify two ways in which AAC Tech contributes positively to this empathic turn. They outline how AAC tech can undermine genuine empathic communication between Autistic persons and neurotypical communicators. The authors suggest that AAC should be incorporate philosophical insights from Design for Emotions and enactive embodied cognitive science. Within the article the authors focus on stimming as an Autistic form of bodily expressivity that can play an important role in empathic communicative exchanges between Autistic persons and neurotypicals, with potential to facilitate in AAC Tech designed for Autistic people. 

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Delivered by El Dewar

Content Warning: Abuse, Child Abuse, Applied Behavioural Analysis, Electro-Shock Therapy, Dehumanisation of Autistic People, Gay Conversion Therapy, Physical Abuse, Grooming, and Coercive Control

This webinar explores the relationship between coercive control and ABA, through examining ABA’s history and current day positionality. The presentation explores issues surrounding common beliefs on ABA for Autistic people and the desire for, and damaged caused by, neuronormalisation. The latter part of the presentation focuses on the implications of compliance and control in ABA in the wider social and adult lives of Autistic people. Concluding with support methods to replace ABA, this webinar offers a Neurodivergent-affirming lens to the issues surrounding ABA outcomes and techniques with regards to coercive control.

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Disclaimer

At Neurodiverse Connection, we are committed to promoting the use of neurodivergent affirming language. However, please do note that in these webinars, as with any content that Neurodiverse Connection host or share that includes input from other organisations or parties, we cannot guarantee that the preferred neurodivergent affirming terminology is always used.

Our guide to neurodivergent affirming language is available here:

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Warda Farah (2023)

Early Years Educational Professionals need to be aware of the intersecting identities of the children they work with and their different needs and experiences. In this guide the author explores what it means to approach teaching through an intersectional lens. The guide also provides a practical approach to integrating intersectional practices into a classroom or wider school environment. The author stresses that with greater understand of students’ lives and lived experience, the greater opportunity for collaboration between teachers and pupils. This work takes a positive, empathetic and inclusive stance to intersectionality in Early Years Education.

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Pellicano, Fatima, Hall, Heyworth, Lawson, Lilley, Mahony and Stears (2022)

Content Warning: Brief reference without details to Sexual Violence, Self-harm and Suicide

There is little comprehensive research into Autistic adulthood, this limited research is partly because Autism is largely conceived as a condition of childhood. This focus of research has also come from traditional approach to Autism, which views Autistic experience almost entirely as a series of biologically derived functional deficits. Approaching Autism in this way severely limits what is known about this neurodevelopmental difference, how research is conducted and the services and supports available. In this review, the authors adopt an alternative research strategy. Through applying Martha Nussbaum’s capabilities approach, which focuses on ten core elements of a thriving human life, to research on Autistic adulthood. They identify areas where Autistic adults thrive and where they often struggle, and highlight issues. The authors state that it is far more complex than conventional accounts of Autism imply and stress the need to engage Autistic people in research.

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Milton (2018)

Content Warning: Applied Behavioural Analysis (ABA) and Positive Behaviour Support (PBS)

Written by Dr Damian Milton, the creator of the Double Empathy Problem, this report addresses the commonplace usage of Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) and Positive Behavioural Support (PBS). The article examines the criticisms of these widely used approaches and discusses why they are not supported by neurodivergent communities. The author concludes by detailing recommendations for future practices that move away from ABA and PBS to more neurodivergent-affirming support.

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gov.uk

The Access to Work scheme provides support for people with additional requirements to stay in work. It can help people with a physical or mental health condition, Neurodivergence (such as Autism or ADHD) or disability. Through the system you can apply for a grant to practically support you at work, support with managing your mental health, and funding to pay for communication support at job interviews. This website details what support Access to Work can give and the application method.  

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Pearson and Rose (2021)

The body of research on Autistic masking is growing and suggests that masking may be linked to negative outcomes for Autistic people. This work is a conceptual analysis of Autistic masking. The authors suggest that masking in a response to the deficit narrative surround Autism and the stigma within wider society. Through outlining classical social theory (social identity theory) the authors discuss how the theory can help understanding on how and why people mask. This is done through placing masking in the social context in which it develops. The authors explore the literature on stigma and marginalisation to explore the intersectional nature of masking – such as gender. They argue that whilst masking might contribute to differences in diagnosis, gender norms and stereotypes should not be imposed by associating masking with a female Autism phenotype. The article concludes with recommendations for further research – stressing the need for increased understanding of intersectionality and the ways in which Autism may present in different people. The authors recommend that masking is examined through a sociodevelopmental lens.

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Matzalas, Richdale and Dissanayake (2022)

This article proposes a theoretical model concerning Autistic Burnout, outlining the risk factors alongside the potential protecting characteristics.

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Dance and Ballestero (2022)

Educational environments can be difficult for those with sensory sensitivities. This article, aimed at both adults and children, focuses on sound in classrooms. It provides an introduction to the way sound is measured. It explains, in an accessible, clear and concise way, how building design can improve the acoustic quality in classrooms and other typically echoey and noisy spaces.

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