The power of trusted support networks: how it can be easy to see in others what's hard to see in ourselves
Adam Fare shares their lived experience of grooming and reflects on how Autistic individuals can provide a valuable support network for identifying when others are being groomed.
Throughout my life, I’ve always been the person who is taken advantage of. Whether that be “friends”, managers, colleagues, or anyone who feels that they can exert that influence upon me. No example of this is more stark than the 7 years of grooming that I went through between the ages of 11 to 18.
Even writing the word “grooming” makes me shiver now, looking back, knowing what happened, and looking at it from the outside it was so obvious. So why couldn’t I realise it at the time? I believe this is one of the reasons Neurodivergent folk are more likely to be victims of Grooming and Coercive Control.
The stereotypical view is that we are susceptible because we are “easily manipulated”, but I don’t buy that whatsoever. Actually, if you try to get me to do something I don’t want to, I’ll often fight back and rebel. So what is the reason? I think it goes deeper.
As an Autistic person I have always experienced a hyper-emotional state when someone shows (what I perceive to be) love and care for me. It becomes an overwhelming, visceral attachment. And I believe that’s one of the reasons people have managed to groom and take advantage of me in multiple situations throughout my life. And no matter how many times it happens, I don’t seem to “learn”. Again, I believe this is due to my emotional (dis)attachment, and the hyper-senses I feel – especially if I’m in moments of minor dysfunction in the rest of my life.
The strangest thing is that I can immediately notice it if others are being groomed or controlled. It’s so obvious to me, and immediately the red flags start flying. However, when the target of grooming behaviour is myself, it’s as if those flags get turned off or become completely drowned-out by the hyper-emotion and attachment.
What this means is that the best people to help me are those who can see the red flags: the people who I genuinely trust. Those. My brother has done this on several occasions and has been the one to help me get out of situations where, had it continued, I would have been taken advantage of.
The moral of the story is that I believe the best way to prevent and/or help people out of their situations is to support and look out for each other. If we all look out for one another and use our ingrained sense of justice and morality, we can help others realise if they are being groomed or controlled and hopefully help prevent so much harm.
Find people you genuinely trust and don’t be afraid to use them for support, advice, and safety. And if you see something that doesn’t feel right, there is a good chance that it isn’t.
