I’ve been easy ‘prey’ as an autistic girl and woman
Kay Louise Aldred highlights the sexist expectations and stereotypes that compound the marginalisation of Autistic girls and women, increasing their vulnerability to grooming and coercive and controlling behaviour. Kay delivered a webinar as part of the G&CC Summit 2023.
It is not the responsibility of girls to protect themselves from predators – it is the responsibility of society protect them. And this requires us all to be the change we want to see.
Hypersensitivity, rejection dysphoria, deep empathy, vulnerability due to trauma, exclusion and isolation, alongside taking people at their word and not being able to fully read, comprehend or believe the depravity and manipulation of the ulterior motives of others mean I’ve been easy ‘prey’ as an autistic girl and woman.
And having worked with hundreds of teenage girls in a pastoral and educational capacity, and more recently adult women in a coaching role, many of whom are neurodivergent, I know I’m not alone in this. Indeed. I see it as a pattern, and it is alarming to me how prevalent the grooming, coercive control, bullying, abuse and sexual violence (1) is amongst this demographic of society.
When autistic girls can be overly trusting and when starved connection, especially when their difference has led them to experience bullying or ridicule in the past, can misread grooming (grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them) (2) for love and care. Their innocence can easily be identified by predators who choose the right words of flattery or compliments or offer gifts to gain trust. Once in the grip of the groomer the isolation, secrecy, offending and coercive control follows, invariably, unless spotted by a caregiver or professional, undisturbed.
The signs and symptoms of grooming and coercive control, which vary from one person to the next, but include sudden behaviour changes, being secretive about whereabouts and phone, missing school, alcohol or drug misuse, increased meltdown, shutdown, and stimming, can be spotted too late once the grooming and abuse is established.
There is an interconnected and feminist piece to acknowledge of course. One which exacerbates this phenomenon. Girls are conditioned to be ‘nice,’ people please and be resourced from by others (aka ‘used’). We are more susceptible to being groomed and coerced as societal decency literally grooms us into not following our biological impulses and instincts – not listening to our embodied knowing, intuition, and ‘neuroception’ (3) because good girls don’t object, shout, fight or get mad. They don’t say no. And frustratingly evidence suggests that there is a gender difference in the response men and women exhibit when under stress and threat, that being ‘fight-or-flight’ in men and ‘tend-and-befriend’ in women (4).
We need to educate girls about all of this from an early age – about how and why begin neurodivergent might place them more at risk, to safeguard against the grooming and coercive control. And this needs to start immediately as there has never been a more important time to teach all children about what healthy relating is and isn’t as we see a rise in blatant, overt, misogyny (5) and escalation in online grooming (6). It is not the responsibility of girls to protect themselves from predators – it is the responsibility of society protect them. And this requires us all to be the change we want to see. Whilst, in our homes, schools and services we also need to first and foremost prioritise prevention, not simply focus on cure.
As part of the NdC Grooming and Coercive Control Summit in November I will be sharing about the importance of relating and coregulation as part of the safeguarding and prevention strategies to deploy in relation to this topic. Alongside this I will be speaking to the importance of education for all of us, on these topics and the pivotal part we, as adults, need to take, as mentors, coaches, and also as role models and advocates of belonging, healthy relating and non-abusive dynamics, because ‘we can’t be it, if we can’t see it’ – and this is especially true for marginalised groups in society, of which autistic girls are one.
GCC Summit 2023 Webinars are available for free. Find out more here→
View Kay’s webinar here→
References
1 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnbeh.2022.852203/full
‘Evidence That Nine Autistic Women Out of Ten Have Been Victims of Sexual Violence’
2 https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming
3 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227/full
5 https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-66101396
6 https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2022/online-grooming-crimes-rise
