Navigating Trauma and Self-Discovery as an Autistic Researcher
I am a late-diagnosed autistic woman, researcher and mother of two neurodivergent young people. At 42, I came to understand my autistic traits while researching my children's neurodiversity. Recognising myself in narratives of other autistic people marked a profound shift. I revisited memories, finding relief and anger at the lack of understanding around my differences. After my identification and subsequent diagnosis, I allowed myself to confront and comprehend the anxiety and depression that had resurfaced at various points in my life. In the autistic community, others shared my struggles with societal norms, resulting in rejections, social dismissals, challenges, and subtle acts of aggression.
However, I came to understand that we frequently share experiences of complex and enduring trauma. When I shared my perspective on coping with experiences of trauma, I heard countless stories from other autistic people of trauma impact - emotional dysregulation, negative self-perception, dissociation, and interpersonal challenges. The rage illuminated memories in me, buried deep beneath layers of self-blame and suppression. Throughout my life, I had kept changing environments, hoping for change. Instead my facade only grew stronger, my ability to conceal my true self more entrenched.
I confronted and questioned my deeply ingrained belief that I should have reacted differently, and the subconscious burden I carried for not sharing these experiences with anyone. I raged. Why did take any responsibility for the actions of others? Why had I allowed my subsequent silence to be deemed irrelevant and meaningless? I realised that the guilt and shame I felt were not mine to bear. As I embraced my autistic identity, I resolved to reclaim my agency and reject the false responsibility I had shouldered for far too long.
Revisiting my personal history forced me to relive the past in the present, causing the memories of trauma to affect both my physical and mental wellbeing. I came to realise that addressing the societal stigma surrounding coercive and other forms of trauma was crucial for my own recovery, as well as for my fellow survivors. My current doctoral research focus on autistic trauma stems direct from this concept. The work examines the impact on identity and aims to enhance support and recognition for subjective autistic trauma experiences. Many people have faced victim-blaming, disbelief and discrediting. This increases the risk of internalising stigma, transforming our emotions into waves of shame, guilt and self-blame.
The alarming prevalence of violence, manipulation and coercive control against autistic individuals highlights the glaring lack of trauma-informed support. After a lifetime of not being believed, acknowledged or respected, we have learnt that expressing emotions and feelings that deviate from accepted social norms often leads to rejection, making it significantly harder to process trauma.
The journey to a new understanding of our authentic identity will frequently involve deep self-reflection, creating distance from societal pressures, embracing and re-evaluating lived experiences. It has brought emotional incidents from the past to the surface. However, discovering that the enduring sense of alienation has a name, a community and a framework for understanding my challenges and strengths as an autistic person has been profoundly liberating. Now, I define myself through the ability to practice self-compassion and support those around me. I passionately believe in the value of my doctoral research, focusing on understanding and supporting the challenges faced by late-diagnosed autistic women with trauma narratives. I aspire to move beyond the traditional deficit-focused approach to autistic lived experience, advocating for collaborative, trauma-informed support tailored to the needs identified by autistic people themselves I redefine myself through emancipatory research and by supporting others on their journey
