“My name is Tina”: a first hand account
Content warnings: suicide, physical, financial and psychological/emotional abuseA piercing first-hand account of grooming, coercion and controlling behaviour within an arranged marriage, as experienced by a British Indian woman. From “Tina”, an anonymous guest contributor.
My name is Tina and I am a British Indian woman. I was born and brought up in Punjab, India. During my primary education, I struggled with some reading and writing, however I absolutely loved maths. I was told by my teacher that I would need to work hard on my spelling, reading and writing. I was a very bright student and achieved really good results during my school, college and at university. My mental health wasn't great due to overthinking, stress and depression. I struggled with my weight, my internalised racism about my dark skin and worries about being different. I was not a typical Indian girl.
When I was 16, my dad passed away and my mental health was so bad that I wasn't feeling loved. I was a lost teenager who had no one to talk to or to ask for help. I was feeling isolated and tried to end my life by overdosing. I was physically and verbally abused by my own family for being different. I loved being independent, focusing on my education, working hard to prove everyone wrong. However, deep down I was comparing myself with other girls in my family.
Why wasn't I like them: good girls who listen to elders, do as they are told, don't answer back, do house chores, never complain, cook and clean, focus on being a good future wife? I was told again and again “if you don't change yourself then no one will marry you”. If I don't lose weight or behave like a good girl, then no one will marry me. I just ignored them and focused more on my studies as I didn't want to get married at all.
My marriage was arranged with someone who was not a good match. In arguments, he always brought-up my weight, my dark skin and the lack of my family support. He humiliated me in front of his family and friends and I felt that I was in an unloving and unhealthy relationship. My mental health was getting worse, overthinking, stress and depression were part of my life.
He started to take control on our joint finances, benefits and my salary as he said I wasn't good enough to do anything. He started to manipulate, control and belittle me due to my mental health and dyslexia. According to him, I wasn't good enough to do anything, as I might read or write something wrong. He took control of everything, saying I was a useless daughter, wife and mother.
I had no confidence or energy left to challenge him as he was so manipulative. He told me I couldn’t even read or write, and that I needed him to be able to survive. And I believed him. I was always wrong, and he was always right. He told his family and friends that my mental health difficulties made me an unfit mother and wife.
He was spending all my money and benefits whilst saving his own income. He was taking loans and remortgage the house and asking me to sign the documents. He said I wouldn’t understand so there’s no point in reading anything. Whenever I refused or asked him questions, he beat me up.
I wasn't happy in that relationship and decided to leave him, but I wasn't very safe, secure or independent financially. I wasn't able to look after myself and my boys without him so I ended up going back to him. Sometimes my family forced me to go back to him due my mental health difficulties.
I think that my mental health and dyslexia made me feel so vulnerable that I couldn't find the strength to leave him for very long time. I wasn't a confident person and always doubted myself, so I felt unable to leave him. I didn't know how to ask for help or where to find help and support. I was too overwhelmed with my own negative thoughts, overthinking, and self-doubts to find an escape from such an abusive man.
I wished I had known more about my dyslexia and mental health so that I had been able to find help and support. My neurodivergence wasn’t the real problem – it was the people around me who were unsupportive, bullying, judgmental, manipulate and controlling.