Going to university: living away from home

We are joined by guest contributor, Emily Wooden, for the second blog in a mini-series about going to university as a young Autistic person, this time exploring the joys and difficulties of living away from home.

For the three years I spent at university, I lived in on-campus accommodation. It wasn’t strictly necessary since I could have commuted from my parents’ house, but I decided that I wanted to kickstart my independence and force myself out of my comfort zone. 

So often I gloss over my support needs, almost trying to kid myself into believing that I don’t need as much help as I actually do. But before leaving home, I managed to acknowledge that it wouldn’t be as simple for me to live in university accommodation as most students. I tried to keep my expectations low about how well I’d cope, so that if I tried and failed, it wouldn’t be too devastating. It’s hard to go through life always planning for bad outcomes, and some might say that it’s a negative way to live, but I know that if I don’t prepare for every eventuality then I’m far more likely to get overwhelmed by uncertainty and increase my chances of failing anyway. 

I asked to be placed in one of the flats the university labelled as ‘quiet’, hoping to be surrounded by likeminded people who would prefer to attend parties rather than host them, and who generally had a decent level of respect and awareness for the people they lived with. While four of us in the flat indeed fit this description, I discovered that the other five people had not requested a ‘quiet’ flat; rather they had been placed there simply to fill up the rooms and were not thrilled about it. If you’re thinking that this arrangement might spell trouble, you would be correct. Very quickly a divide appeared amongst my flatmates. The year consisted of half of us constantly frustrated by the late-night noise and disrespectful visitors, while the other half wished that they were in a ‘regular’ flat and proceeded to act as if they were. 

“I asked to be placed in one of the flats the university labelled as ‘quiet’...”

This taught me an important lesson – don’t assume the university will understand what you actually need when you make requests. Although it shouldn’t work like this, you have to be persistent in communicating your needs and follow up to make sure that they are met. Don’t just tick a box on a form and hope for the best. 

For my final two years, I was able to live with friends I’d chosen myself in shared university accommodation. I had my own room and ensuite bathroom, then we all shared the kitchen. Having supportive, understanding flatmates was transformative compared to first year, but there continued to be challenges. The reality of shared accommodation meant that even though I’d chosen some of my flatmates, there were still some who I hadn’t chosen due to the size of the university flats. And while most people were considerate, the communal kitchen was almost constantly in a terrible state. When you’re Autistic and already managing the demands of university life, having a chaotic kitchen can feel overwhelming. On top of the many mental barriers that I experienced while trying to live independently, this posed a very physical barrier. There were days when I’d avoid the kitchen entirely, staying in my room and consequently not eating properly because I couldn’t face navigating the mess to cook. Unfortunately, this was just one of those problems that couldn’t easily be resolved and so, instead, I had to learn to manage my struggles. I developed coping strategies: keeping some food in my room, having backup meal options that didn’t require kitchen use, and budgeting to allow for necessary take away food purchases.  

I liked living at university, apart from when I hated it. The days swung quickly back and forth, from the ecstatic joy of clubbing and games nights and getting tipsy in the kitchen with friends, to the intense loneliness of being by myself in my room, having not interacted with another person the entire day. It was a strange sort of loneliness whereby I was surrounded by hundreds of university students, could hear voices, laughter and music playing at all hours, sandwiched between flats upon flats of people…and yet felt absolutely alone. The noise that was supposed to signal community and connection just emphasised how isolated I felt when I couldn’t participate. 

“...it’s okay to have completely different needs from your peers, and advocating for those needs isn’t being difficult...”

 But then I’d have a lecture the next day, spend time with friends all afternoon, and would completely forget about the wallowing of the night before. This was a continuous cycle and probably why I’ve come away from university with very mixed feelings about my time there. While I had frequent low points, those were met by equally frequent highs that I am so glad to have experienced.  

Looking back, there are things I wish someone had told me before I started living independently at university. Firstly, that it’s okay to have completely different needs from your peers, and advocating for those needs isn’t being difficult – it’s being responsible. Secondly, that the loneliness and overwhelm I experienced weren’t personal failings, but challenges that many students experience, especially Autistic students.  

Most importantly, I wish I’d understood earlier that my university experience didn’t need to look like anyone else’s to be valid and worthwhile.