In this blog, Remie Colledge, Guest Contributor, shares reflections on her lived experience of mental health recovery, exploring the connections between cycles of dysregulation, Autistic burnout, relapse and recovery.
As I write, I am looking around at my home office. Imagine the scene. A post-it note explosion clutters my desk, piles of papers surround my feet, the whiteboards on my wall are a sea of ideas and lists, and let us not even mention the wardrobe. I am hovering somewhere just past dysregulation. A change in my working environment is often a visual representation of how I am. It shows the signs of dysregulation, before I can see them for myself.
I share this to set the scene. This article is not about how I learnt to ‘overcome’ cycles of dysregulation and autistic burnout, or how I discovered a magic ‘fix’. It is a compassionate reflection about creating opportunities for change within these cycles, and how this improved my mental health. But first, let me introduce myself.
I am a late-diagnosed Autistic woman. My life before this discovery, as a child, teen, and young adult, was dominated by confusion, anxiety, disorientation, and struggles. Chaotic spirals, as I moved in and out of inpatient and outpatient care, passed between services, attempting to recover from an eating disorder and depression. It was exhausting and never-ending.
“ A change in my working environment is often a visual representation of how I am. It shows the signs of dysregulation, before I can see them for myself.”
The cycles felt out of control, a blur, as I struggled to understand or explain my experiences. I would race to get back on my feet, before my world would tumble back down, as I experienced exhaustion and yet another mental health relapse. It was as if I was frantically circling around a pitch-black forest, without a map or a torch, attempting to find a clear path forwards.
What followed was a life-changing moment. 12 years after my first contact with mental health services, I was diagnosed as Autistic. As I immersed myself into exploring what this meant to me, various aspects of my experience became illuminated.
I learnt about my sensory differences and sensitivities. I began to identify my strengths, alongside validating the daily challenges I face. The more I uncovered, I noticed how becoming dysregulated would quickly lead to overwhelm and then Autistic burnout; a whirlwind followed by a relapse with my mental health.
“Post-diagnosis, I gradually built up my unique toolkit of strategies, including ways to manage my sensory, emotional, and physical energy levels.
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I had grown up placing huge expectations on myself, feeling the enormous weight of the ‘shoulds,’ based on observations of those around me. I ‘should’ be able to intuitively know how to interact with others. I ‘should’ be able to cope with the hustle and bustle of life. I masked (hid my autistic differences) to an extreme level from an early age. This came at a huge cost and exacerbated these cycles. Each time I burnt out, I perceived this as, ‘I have failed,’ leading me to find comfort in a familiar coping strategy, the eating disorder. It was the perfect storm.
Post-diagnosis, I gradually built up my unique toolkit of strategies, including ways to manage my sensory, emotional, and physical energy levels. I started to let go of the ‘shoulds.’ The speed of the cycles slowly decreased.
This gave me time to notice opportunities for change. For example, as I rebuilt my life, through trial and error, I have been learning to pace, instead of race. I weave in regulation strategies into my daily routines and factor in transition times between tasks and activities, all to help prevent dysregulation. Yet, knowing dysregulation still happens, I can respond by allowing myself the space to decompress. And if I reach the stage of burnout? I have a plan.
Noticing the opportunities for change.
Throughout this, I have had to work on acceptance. I still experience these cycles, but I can recover from burnout, without such a ripple effect on my mental health. Crucially, I learnt that I will not go through life avoiding Autistic burnout. When I defiantly declared I would never get burnt out, ever again, I was setting myself up to fail. I believe that anticipating and accepting burnout does not equal defeat or pessimism. In fact, I have found it nurtures two crucial things, curiosity and self-compassion.
When burnout creeps up, self-compassion is one of the greatest tools I am going to need first. I now know that burnout does not equal failure. I am human, doing my best to regulate, whilst living in a world not designed for my Neurodivergent mind. There are steps I can take that are within my control, yet there are multiple contributing factors to these cycles that are out of my control.
Then, as I slowly recharge, I can start to become curious and make sense of why. Burnout is a sign, information I can use. It becomes an opportunity to check in and ask myself, what do I need? And are the strategies and supports I have in place still meeting those needs? If not, what could I change?
“When burnout creeps up, self-compassion is one of the greatest tools I am going to need first.”
Finally, whilst simultaneously navigating my mental health recovery and exploring my autistic identity, life has evolved. Equally, so has what I need. Energy management and self-regulation has become an ongoing process of reflecting, stumbling, adjusting, learning, and growing. It has become an essential part of my daily life.
